1. Mick Jagger — This strutting peacock is certainly no stranger to blowing one’s lump, and he has the sticky fingers to prove it. Mick has reportedly cleaved his pin an astonishing 7.3-million times. To put this into perspective, if you tumbled your dice 500 times a day for forty years…

House Democrats Now Planning 3rd Trump Impeachment

Washington DC — With the ink still drying on the historic second impeachment of President Donald Trump, House Democrats are said to now be working on a third impeachment. “With the second impeachment finally out of the way, we can now move forward…

GOP Representatives Planning Nude Sit-In at Biden Inauguration

While it’s been previously reported that 140 House Republicans plan to vote against the counting of electoral votes this Wednesday as part of an effort to block the certification of President-elect Joe Biden, sources now say that the same group of GOP…

Are You Prepared for the Live Comedy Snapback?

First off I want to acknowledge that in some areas of the country, live comedy may have already returned on some level. …

REPORT: US school children can no longer spell “cat” if you spotted them the “c” and the “t.”

Washington DC — In what is seen as a devastating result of the pandemics affect on the countries public school system, a new report has asserted that American children, some as old as 14, can no longer spell the word “cat” if you spotted them the letters “c” and “t.”

In response, President-elect Joe Biden is expected to create a new federal agency tasked with addressing the issue. The proposed Department of Parental Education, or DOPE, will offer help and resources to American parents overwhelmed by their new responsibilities as educators.

Further details to this story will be added as the story unfolds.

Gavin Newsom to Ban Further Sports Championships in California Cities Until COVID-19 Vaccine Available

Sacramento, CA — After recent public gatherings in celebration of championships by Los Angeles sports franchises, whereby COVID protocols of mask wearing and social distancing were widely flouted, Governor Gavin Newsom today declared a ban on…

Sociologists: Mankind to Thrive Again Once Dumb Fucks Die Off

Cambridge, MA — Sociologists at Harvard University released a study this Friday in which they assert that the human race is due to thrive again once most of the world’s dumb fucks simply die off.

The ground-breaking study, which was…

Anonymous NFL Player Admits to Crying on the Field Due to Pain. Says Others Do Too

Location undisclosed — A former NFL player who has chosen to remain anonymous admitted to crying on the field due to pain on numerous occasions and said that other players regularly do as well.

Journeyman NFL Player: “I’m sick and tired of all this moving bullshit!”

Atlanta, GA — After joining his record tenth NFL franchise over the past eight years, Linebacker Karl Billups admitted to reporters gathered after the Falcons-Jets game that he was “just sick and tired of all this moving bullshit.”

Sancho Sanchez

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