“I want my s**t back!” — Pelosi Announces Plans to Storm Mar-a-Lago

Washington D.C. — Just days after announcing an independent 9/11-type Commission to investigate the causes of the January 6th Capital riot, Nancy Pelosi announced her own personal plans to storm the Florida estate of former President Donald Trump.

“I had a lot of personal s**t stolen during that riot, and I intend to get it all back” bellowed the House Speaker in a speech given at the very spot in which Trump urged his followers to “Save America.” While the most public of those items, her personal lectern, was previously returned, Pelosi made a connection to the former President’s involvement, due to the fact that it ultimately turned up in Florida.

“That a**hole Adam Johnson thought he could just waltz right out of here with my g**damn lectern, well he’s in jail now” shouted Pelosi, alluding to the now-viral image of Johnson carrying the lectern through the Capitol rotunda during the riots. “And I’m 110% certain that Mr. morbidly-obese ex-President has the rest of my s**t, so I am marching down to Mar-a-Lago next week and getting it all back! Who’s with me?”

She then went on to express the deep emotional attachment and sentimental value she had with her stolen property. “This is more than just a few ‘things’ you go down the street and replace. These items reflect who I am personally, and are a symbol of my 34-year career spent serving my constituents.”

Among the personal and professional affects she claims were stolen, includes the following:

Pelosi concluded her speech by issuing the following warning: “Donald Trump implored his followers to ‘Stop the steal.’ Well, I’m going to ‘End the steal’ when I show up at the gates of Mar-a-Lago next week. Take notice Donald. You’ve been warned!”

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